Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
