Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
