and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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