dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
