even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
