ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
