She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
