cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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