I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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