i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
