totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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