broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
