Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
