Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
