you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
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