I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Randomize
