If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Randomize
