Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
True strength comes from lack of pants
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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