I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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