I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
