Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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