I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
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