I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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