I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
