...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
