Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
