I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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