cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
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