I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Church boner. Awkwardddd
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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