Are we in a gay sports bar?
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
