Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Randomize
