Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
