Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
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