i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Randomize
