atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
