Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
