I looked at my own cervix.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
