he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
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