I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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