getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
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