How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
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