sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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