i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. �Hello 29...
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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