Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
