Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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