Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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