Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
