he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
