omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Randomize
