you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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